In less than one week, it will finally be March 19th. In less than one week, my adventure begins.
I've had a lot of people ask me how I'm feeling about all of this, and I can honestly say that I can't quite put my finger on it, let alone describe it to someone else.
It seems too complex for language to capture. I've just finished reading
Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides, and I think the author describes this conundrum best:
"Emotions, in my experience, aren't covered by single words. I don't believe in "sadness," "joy," or "regret." Maybe the best proof that the language is patriarchal is that it oversimplifies feeling. I'd like to have at my disposal complicated hybrid emotions. . ."
I've come across a few phrases and words, all in other languages, that capture hybrid emotions in the way Eugenides, like myself, would like to see. Still, there's nothing that quite matches the cocktail of feelings running through my heart and mind during these days. Following Eugenides example,
I'd like to create some collision phrases like, "The combination of exhilaration and panic as one takes a step into the unknown," or, "The strange sadness that accompanies happiness when a long wait ends," or, "The unlikely marriage of love for one's home with love for being away." And of course, "The sensation that what's next is all at once real, imaginary, close, far away."
Put another way,
this moment feels very much like jumping off a diving board into a cool pool on a very hot day
. I don't mean that instant when you hit the water, shocked and refreshed as you're enveloped by it; nor do I mean the time you spend on the board, wavering, then finally deciding to take the plunge. I'm talking about the space between -- that moment after your feet leave the board and there you are, suspended. You're there for a second, maybe two, and you feel several things at once. Instinctively, your body reacts with fear, uncertain about jumping off dry land into the deep water where it's sure to be cold. You think of how nice it was out in the sun, staying dry and warm, and you almost regret your decision. And yet, above all else, you're giddy with excitement about the jump, about the fact that there's no turning back and you're definitely going to get wet and swim for awhile.
That suspension, that space between apprehension and excitement, that place where there's no going back but you wouldn't have it any other way -- that's where I am right now.
* * *
Aside from complex emotions and abstract analogies, I am beginning to feel very overwhelmed about how much I still have to do before leaving! Organizing, packing, random administrative tasks, and errands to run -- they've been piling up and I have no idea where the time has gone! It's definitely part of my MO that I like to work under pressure, but this situation is a bit different. (hmm, imagine that!) I suppose most of my time has gone to seeing family and friends instead of packing, but let's be real: who can argue with that? :)
As evidenced by the insane hour at which I'm writing this, I've developed a strange sort of insomnia that I can only attribute to the large amount of tasks before me. I stay up late, telling myself, "I can't go to bed yet, I need to get stuff done. I should really do X, Y, and Z." Do I end up doing X, Y, or Z? No. Instead, I dwell on how much there is to do, argue with myself about how to prioritize and which to tackle first, and then find that it's grown too late to actually make any progress. Shake my head, repeat.
Thankfully, all of the things I ordered online came in time, and I have almost everything I need outside of what a run to Target can fix. In keeping with helpful Peace Corps blogging tradition, I'll post a detailed packing list soon for future volunteers looking for insight. For now, though, all I have to say is that my insanely organized spreadsheet of a packing list has now exploded into actual objects that have taken over the den in our house! This is going to require some seriously awesome packing strategies, a friend or two to bounce ideas off of, and maybe definitely some chocolate to ease the nerves.
I had two very awesome going away parties that I have yet to write about - one in Grand Rapids, and one here on the East Side. Both were wonderful and filled with more friends and loved ones than I had anticipated -- If I find some time, Ill post some stories and pictures from those in the coming days.
6 days!
